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Dearest Demosthenians,
Hi, my name is Ryan Webber. You may know me as that guy who
shows up to meetings sometimes and gives funny speeches. If
you're friends with me on Facebook, you may know that my middle
name is Victor. It's an apt middle name, since I've succeeded
in tersely mocking nearly all of you at some point. Remember
that Red Cross resolution? Boy, you fell for that one. The whole
thing was a joke. I bet you feel dumb.
You should, because that's what I do. Not give blood, mind
you, but rather, make people feel dumb. I even made droll mockery
of the doctor who pulled me out. But that's no credit to me;
I was made this way.
Sort of like how Mr. Darsie, the nattily-dressed gentleman
to my left, was born knowing the difference between cashmere
and shetland wool. He's the only guy I know who doesn't read
The Economist for the articles.
Meanwhile, to his left, we have Ms. Myers. She enjoys cottage
cheese, international affairs and bottled water. We think that
list may have at some point been expanded to include Mr. Addison,
but let's face it, the jury's still out on that one.
But I digress. To the rest of you ladies: I know you admire
my fashion sense, and my leather emo bag, and probably want
to get to know me better, but I'll put it this way: Remember
"The Butter Battle Book" by Dr. Seuss? Well, some
people bread their butter face up, while some prefer to do it
face down. You can fill in the blanks.
However, if your boyfriend is treating you like garbage, either
I or
the dapper gentleman to my left will be happy to do some platonic
spooning. We can have a gossip session where you tell us how
all men want the same thing, or that they don't respect you
for who you really are. We can even bring over the Hershey's
Kisses and watch "Hair" the musical with you while
you eat them by the bagful, wallowing in self-hatred. I might
even hold your hair up before you pass out drunk, because if
nothing else, from the bottom of my heart, Darsie and I respect
each and every one of you beautiful, Nubian princesses for who
you are. That's why, next fall, I can mock you with a clear
conscience.
At this point, I should mention that these words are not my
own.
Rather, I have been acting as Mr. Richards' meat puppet, and
gratefully so. He done put these words in my mouf. My own minutes
will be much better, I promise.
The meeting of Thursday, the 19th of April 2007, and the 232nd
anniversary of the Battles of Lexington and Concord, was called
to order slightly after 7. With no guests present, Mr. Beusse
was
appointed critic.
In Committee Reports, we learned that there will be no graduation
ceremony, everyone should get books back to the library, there
will be a camping trip, there will be a bake sale, and that
Freak & Geek ballots should be turned in.
We held elections. Mr. Darsie was elected President, Ms. Myers
was elected Vice President, I, Mr. Webber, was elected Secretary,
Mr. Chiego was elected Chief Justice, Ms. Turlington and Mr.
Sharp were elected Associate Justices, Mr. Brettschneider was
elected Treasurer, Ms. Waltz was elected Hall Administrator,
Ms. Johnson was elected Historian, Mr. Pearl was elected Custodian,
Ms. Roberts was elected Sergeant at Arms, and Ms. Moxley was
elected Librarian.
The meeting was adjourned slightly after 2, with Mr. Beusse
graciously absent. Thank you sir, may I have another?
Lovingly submitted,
William Tecumseh Richards |
University of Georgia 