| Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. I hope your summers
were lazy and relaxing because the bench certainly had no rest.
The first big news comes from Vice President Meyers who recently
declared that she is neither part of the Demosthenian Executive
Bench nor part of any council. Using shady constitutional grounds
for this she further announced that she could permanently classify
any knowledge and is accountable to no one. It’s been suggested
to me that this Cheney-esque scheme is far too sinister for
any true Demosthenian and she must therefore be an evil cybore
created by the heapers. Apparantly they can’t maintain a society
of their own and have to spy on us to figure it out.
President Darsie entered the summer high off of his recent
victory, he celebrated quite exuberantly. So exuberantly in
fact that yours truly found him in a trash can one dirty night
dressed as a hooker. My completely coincidental encounter of
Mr. Darsie occurred whilst I was trying to recreate Hunter S.
Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Our conversation follows:
“Good God man! What are you doing in this trash can dressed
as a hooker?”
“I got thrown out of the Flamingo, something about an irate
maid and fourteen buckets of Jello.”
My associate wobbled in the trash can and clearly demonstrated
no further ability to converse.
“As your secretary I advise you take a drink from this bottle”
He drank more than I would recommend for most bull elephants,
but after moaning, blinking enthusiastically and rummaging in
the trash can for the rest of his outfit, (which consisted of
four bobby pins and a surprisingly modest hat) removed himself
from the refuse receptacle.
“What was in that stuff”
“Just a simple mixture of
[All further information is classified on the authority of Vice
President Meyers.]
The meeting commenced at 7:14 p.m.:
Mr. Hansen fulfilled his duties as librarian by presenting a
new copy of the Unholy Book to the society to replace the previously
lost one.
Mr. Sharp spoke on behalf of programs to remind the society
of the Freaks and Geeks Superlatives, the spring banquet, and
the relay for life (yay walking boo cancer!)
Ms. Turlington spoke on behalf of the judicial council about
speakers points, the upcoming renewal of the intersociety agreement
(yay Demosthenians, boo losers) and about printing off more
copies of the society’s constitution.
Ms. No-Fun spoke for the tournament committee to remind us of
the date, which I can’t recall. She further spoke as the hall
administrater about placing lights to illuminate the flag hanging
outside of our hall.
Mr. Pearl promptly volunteered to fulfill his duty as hall custodian
and arrange for the lights.
Mr. Weeks delivered his censor morum report and roundly chastised
all of us for our transgressions. Then, absolved of our wicked
ways we directly returned to accumulating moral debt until the
next censor morum report. I myself have already gotten quite
I head start on such debauchery. You sheep out there know what
I’m talking about.
We then moved into farewells:
Ms. Barnett reminded the society that wherever you go: there
you are. Simple and sound advice from her mother. She further
advised us that frying pans are hot, equally simple and sound
advice. She donated three Harry Potter books in various languages
to the society. She presented the quiet girl key to Mr. Broach,
the logic key to Mr. Sharp, the Bad/Good speaker key to Ms.
Herschman, and the key that is not a key to Mr. O’Donnell.
Mr. Williams warned us that we all must one day grow up, but
himself resolutely resolved to never drive a mini van. He presented
the society with a battery of text books:
The History of Rock Music, Immanual Kant, Epictetus: The Handbook,
2 Plato texts, Socrates, Baruck Spinozo, Hindi Sacred Texts,
and The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. All of which
he claimed never to have read. He presented the Spoon Key to
Ms. Barnett, the small bear key to Ms. Brown, the forgotten
name key to Mr. Vaudo, and the has anyone seen my pants key
to Ms. Smith. He closed with the advice not to be lazy and not
to fear not things you cannot control, such as space tornados.
Ms. Smith opened by presenting The Portable Curmudgeon, Jane
Eyre, American Psycho, The Devil Wears Prada, and Men are from
Mars, Women are from Venus to the society. She presented the
messy breakup key to Mr. Williamson, the hey nice rock key to
Ms. Brown, the your exquisite wardrobe certainly rivals mine
key to Mr. Darsie, the broken home key to Mr. Miller, the Holy
Triumvirate key to Mr. Frisch the Services rendered key to Mr.
Webber, and the pants key to Ms. Wilkinson. She parted with
the advice to accept a little mediocrity in life and to relax.
Mr. Wiess praised the societies acceptance and advised enjoying
the college experience. He warned against the dangers of gossip.
He suggested procrastination, experimentation, not conversing
with the Tate preacher, and tipping bartenders well. All very
practical advice. He further advised we try everything once
and to push the boundaries. He presented The Biography of Rome
to the society. He presented the following keys to these members.
I Popped Your Cherry Key to Matt Pearl, I care too Much About
Politics Key to Mr. Williamson, the GHB (Greedy Heartless Bastard)
Key to Ms. Wilkinson, the Sit On It Key to Mr. Weiss the Lesser,
and the Classicist Key to Mr. Webber.
Mr. Dowell read from the bible in Greek and then translated
for us. The virtues of the passage were Hope, Faith, and Love,
which are greater alone than all other virtues combined. He
intoned that “without love we are nothing.” He also gave us
the hope that we each can one day find a true home. He presented
The Odyssey, Guns, Germs, & Steel, Ovid’s Metimorphosis,
Dave Barry, Mostly Harmless, Alice in Wonderland, Through the
Looking Glass, The Greek Bible, Michael Stevak’s Calculess,
and a glut of classical books. He gave the Bulldog Bucks Big
Swig: Outrageous Idea Key to Mr. Hansen, the Alcohol 85% Key
to Mr. Shoun, the Done Right Key to Mr. Pearl, the Speech Development
Key to Mr. Richards, and the Scottish Key to Ms. Caroline Crawford.
Ms. Keys-Bloomer told us to do as we like and not be dissuaded
by others. Not to get caught up in being liked, but to have
some tact. Be genuine and get an education. She gave the Mug
of Knowledge to Mr. Darsie, the Seeing Eye Wand to Ms. Herschman,
the Memory Cards Key to Ms. Meyers, the Good & Evil/Mighty
Mouse/ Token Jew Key to Mr. D. Weiss. The Jewish Mafia/Feminist
Key to Ms. Johnson, the Shit Never Gets Done Key to Ms. Wilkinson,
the Difficult Language Key to Mr. Sharp, the I Wish I Had Gotten
to Know You Better Key to Ms. Carline Crawford, the Red/Blue
Key to Mr. Weeks, the Turning Passion into Knowledge Key to
Mr. Dutta, the Oxford/I Survived the Fires of Hell Key to Mr.
Richards, the Fiesty Woman Key to Ms. Turlington, the Knights
Key to Mr. Hansen. She openly maintained ownership of the Ovaries
of Steel Key and promised to present it when it had been earned
in her eyes. She donated to the society the following books:
Alanna: The Song of the Lioness Set, Warren King’s Middle East,
The Dream Callous Leader, World on Fire, and Drowning Down the
Moon.
Mr. Ballard reminded us all one last time of his grandfather’s
role in Demosthenian’s past and his farewell address. He also
reminded us that time wears at all memories. He spoke of how
Demosthenian makes us all better speakers and of his odd one
time experience in the Heeper Hall. He closed his advice by
telling us about how Demosthenian helped him in learning to
speak to strangers. He donated three books to the society: The
Case for Bureaucracy, The Dark Side of Globalism, and Unlocking
Autism. He presented the Baxter Morgan Award for Rhetorical
Flair to Mr. Hanson, the Demosthenain Class Key to Ms. Turlington,
the Sincere Member Key to Mr. O’Donnell, the In Due Time Key
to Mr. Darsie, the Your Failures are Greater Than Other’s Successes
Key to Mr. Chiego, the Why Aren’t You Famous Yet Key to Mr.
Broach, the Occasionally Surprising Political View Key to Mr.
Richards, the Southern Gentleman Key to Mr. Beusse, the Welcome
to My Life Key to Ms. Wilkinson, the Ex-President’s Key to Mr.
Williamson, the Crazy Devotion Key to Mr. D. Weiss, The Embodiment
Key to Mr. Sharp, and a pack of cards to each Misters Garcia
and Steinberg.
Mr. Addison gave the final farewell in a jumble of advise,
keys, and books that follow. He opened by stressing the importance
of not just every speech delivered in the upper chamber, but
free speech itself. He gave the Torch Key to Ms. Turlington
with the epigram that it will “Light your way or burn you to
the ground.” The Mike Adams Key to Casey Sharp, the Hip Cool-Guy
Key to Mr. Chris Webber, but since there is no such member in
the society he realized he meant Mr. Ryan Webber, the Jack Daniels
Leadership Key to Mr. Beusse, the Good Man Key to Mr. Weeks,
the Unexpected Friend or Hah! I Beat you to Graduation Key to
Ms. Meyers. He then presented the book Damn Good Dogs to the
society. He gave the Moderation of Political Views Key to Mr.
D. Brettschneider, the Great Expectations Key to Mr. Darsie
with the reprimand that he expected to hear and see great things
from Mr. Darsie. He presented the book Starship Troopers to
the society. The Courage Key went to Ms. Bernhard. He closed
with the warning that friendships will be lost through the seriousness
of life.
The society then moved into new business where Mr. Williamson
presented
BIR: The Demosthenian Literary Society
shall create an ad hoc committee consisting of the Judicial
Council and the secretary for the purpose of crafting a letter
to express condolences to the families of the Virginia Tech
Massacre.
Respectfully Submitted J. Matt Williamson. The resolution passed
unanimously without any need for debate.
The meeting was adjourned at 12:50 am.
Recorded by the society’s secretary,
Ryan Victor Webber
|
University of Georgia 