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Ladies and Gentlemen the following minutes were extracted from
the considerable vaults of Darth Vice President Myers, with
extreme difficulty. They contain more of the story of President
Darsie in Vegas and how I learned of his mission.
“Well Darsie, thank God, it looks like we’ve evaded those rampant
gambling thugs.”
“Hail Bobby T. we got away, it’s just a shame we had to sell
that hobo’s kidneys to cover our debts.”
“Don’t worry about it, that’s what hobos are for, but what were
you doing out here in Vegas anyways?”
“Well, I recently managed to get an advanced copy of the rating
of the top party schools in the U.S. We’re number 5”
“Well that’s not too bad, we’re pretty close to the top, we
even jumped up two spots since last year”
“But UF is number 4”
“WHAT! That’s unacceptable! We can’t let those *jort sporting
Gators beat us!”
“I know, which is why I came to Vegas, I’m going to make it
possible for Athens to party just as hard as Vegas”
“That sounds like an awesome idea, there’s just one problem,
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”
“Don’t worry about that, the minutes you read at the first meeting
prove that isn’t true”
“Wow, what an amazing bit of futuristic insight, but wait, doesn’t
that mean...”
“Yup, the advertising agencies have been lying to you”
“NOOOO, but that means I don’t have to think outside the bun?
I shouldn’t Just Do It? Skittles won’t let me Taste the Rainbow?
You don’t have to Like the Way you Look in a Men’s warehouse
suit? And I don’t Gotta Eat at Checkers?”
“That’s right, those are all lies”
“Well that’s sort of a relief, I was getting tired of the Chili
Dog, but what will I base my life around now!?”
“Stupid Man! Your identity crisis isn’t important, what’s important
is that we ensure the party school ranking changes!”
*jort – jean shorts
“You’re right, I’m sorry, nothing comes before partying – It’s
priority number one. Is there any way I can help you in your
mission?”
“No, not really, you’re pretty useless Ryan”
“Oh please I’ve gotta do something!”
“Well, my last few plans have failed – maybe I could use you
as a decoy.”
“Sounds great, is it dangerous?”
“That’s not important. All you need to know is that the party
animal lies deep somewhere among one of these many casino vaults”
“What do you mean ‘the party animal’ I thought that was just
an idiom”
“Well, maybe that wasn’t all you needed to know. There is in
fact a party animal – he fell from the sky many years ago riding
upon a space tornado. He is the source of all truly Righteous
Raves, Bodacious Bashes, and Awesome Parties.
“Hey, that last one wasn’t alliterative”
“That’s about as important as your self confidence, you idiot,
and you shouldn’t point out your own failings as a writer. Regardless,
our mission is to rescue the party animal from his touristy
imprisonment.”
“But why and how did the party animal get imprisoned, and just
how do you plan on locating and saving him?”
“Well, I’d like answer your questions, but if I don’t then it
builds suspense for next week’s minutes, and maybe some guests
will return just to hear the awesome and mysterious answers!”
The meeting was called to order at 7:18 p.m.
There were 5 first time guests and 8 returning guests.
Mr. Sharp was appointed to be the critic.
We entered programs where Mr. Broach as the former chief justice
presented a copy of the art of war to Current Chief Justice
Chiego.
Mr. Sharp began committee reports by speaking about creating
new forms for tracking keys and to remind us all of the Pornography
debate set to occur on campus.
Mr. Weiss rose to ask the society to present Ms. Moxley with
a thank you note for her and her parent’s donation to the society
for a grill.
Mr. Frisch reminded us that dues are due.
We entered New Business and Mr. Sharp submitted
BIR: The U.S. should give citizenship
to all illegal aliens with out serious criminal records.
Mr. Williamson rose in opposition of the resolution on the
grounds that the immigrants would burden the American system,
specifically welfare.
Mr. Broach took the floor in defense of the resolution with
the mindset that America needs her dirty work done by a lower
class, and the Mexican Immigrants should fill that role as citizens.
A guest rose in opposition of the Resolution.
Mr. Beusse spoke against the resolution on the grounds that
Mexican Immigrants work better and cheaper without citizenship.
Ms. Moxley, who was recently in a car accident with one Juan
Hernandez, ascended the floor in opposition to the resolution.
She did so on the premise that part of what allows the illegal
aliens to work their undesirable jobs is their illegality.
A guest opposed the resolution for the sake of limitations
on the judicial system and other government institutions.
Mr. Vaudo took a stand contesting the resolution. He claimed
that our nation can not support more people, ignoring the vast
and empty Midwest.
Mr. Weeks supported the resolution. He stated his opposition
to racists and bigots, he further stated that our nation can
definitely support the 3 million illegal immigrants. He congratulated
us on our great achievements of falling out of our mother’s
vaginas in America, rather than in Mexico.
Mr. Chiego opposed the resolution and cited previous instances
where congress legalized all the illegal immigrants previous
times. He also blamed Mexico and the immigrants for their influence
on American TV. He further blamed this on the “liberals in the
government.” One can only presume that the corruption he spoke
of refers to the Spanish language in shows like Dora the Explorer
and Sesame Street.
A guest rose for the resolution as the only practical solution
to the illegal alien problem. He claimed that taxing the immigrants
would outweigh the drain they would place on society.
Mr. Frisch reminded the society citizenship does not prevent
people from working illegally, he used his own career as an
example.
Mr. O’Donnell opposed the resolution on the principal that
illegal immigrants are in fact illegal and therefore don’t deserve
citizenship.
Mr. Hill rose and paraphrased the inscription at the Statue
of Liberty’s feet. He then proposed we accept primarily highly
educated individuals into our country.
The Question was called and failed among members 9 to 16, among
guests 5 to 8 and among alumnae 0 to 2.
It was noted “Screw the Mexicans”
The Society took a 10 minute on account of the unbearable heat
in the upper chamber.
Mr. Vaudo presented
BIR: Dog fighting should be legalized
nationwide.
Mr. Pearl immediately stood to oppose the resolution on the
grounds of its lack of popular support.
Mr. Miller supported the resolution and likened dog fighting
to the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). He claimed that
dogs bred for fighting will fight each other without instigation.
Ms. Turlington spoke against the resolution. She claimed that
dogs should not be bred to fight, and such dogs are a danger
to society.
Mr. Weiss spoke on the differences between humans and animals.
Mainly the latter’s lack of rationality. He said that humans
willingly fight, the dogs are forced to. This of course raises
the question, “Which species lacks rationality?”
A guest took the floor opposing the resolution. He elaborated
on the ways trainers execute the losing dogs.
Mr. O’Brien spoke against the resolution and of the huge emotional
range animals can display.
Mr. Steinberg spoke against the resolution, against breeding
killing machines.
Mr. Etheridge rose to oppose the resolution and informed us
of the lucrative opportunities dog fighting provides.
The question was called and failed 3 to 18 among members, 0
to 11 among guests.
It was noted that the invisible hand will strangle those who
voted for the resolution.
It was also noted that Zak Vaudo Let the Dogs Out.
Mr. Brettschnieder presented
BIR: ______ should be the new uniform
for the president of the society.
For the time leading up to the Intersociety Debate he suggested
a coat and bowtie, only a coat and bowtie. He suggested a bathrobe
post ISD.
Mr. Chiego advised a full confederate general’s uniform. 6
votes
Mr. Vaudo spoke for a toga, noting the bench would conceal
from the society the president’s waist and nether regions.
Mr. Weiss proposed a wardrobe from Vice President Myer’s closet.
4 votes
Ms. Moxley suggested a shirt advertising “Silence means Consent”
as appropriated from Robert’s Rules of Order.
Ms. Wilkinson advocated a bathrobe, in honor of alumnus Bathrobe
Billy.
Ms. Turlington recommended anything but clothing. 1 vote
Mr. Miller advised Mr. Brettschnieder’s jean shorts, a fu-man-chu
mustache, a Jew fro, a mumu, assless chaps, a kilt, a wife beater,
and one of Ms. Smith’s considerable bras, stuffed with anything.
4 votes
Mr. Steinberg suggested the gator mascot.
Ms. Herschman offered a purple teletubby costume. 1 vote
Mr. Etheridge spoke for a bow tie, leather vest, and assless
chaps. 1 vote
Mr. O’Brien proposed a top hat, cane, pocket watch, cape, monocle,
and tuxedo. 16 votes
A guest suggested a new multicultural outfit each week. 1 vote
The question was called, members and guests voted together
for the sake of brevity. Mr. O’Brien’s suggestion of the full
tuxedo regalia won with 16 votes.
It was noted that President Darsie does not desire to be known
as Mr. Moneybags.
It was also noted that “the tux is awesome because it gives
the opera super villain impression”
Mr. Sharp presented the critic’s report and we adjourned at
10:46 pm.
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University of Georgia 