| In a continuing narrative of minutes one typically briefly recaps
the previous week’s plot for the sake of clarity. Rather than
resort to that worn out ritual, I’ll merely advance my story
a few chapters so that everyone is equally confused.
“We’re here,” whispered Darsie, “in the very lair of the fabled
party animal, inspiration of all true parties.”
“Right, so we’ve just gotta toss him in this burlap sack and
be on our way then?”
“We’ll, that’s sort of what we’re gonna’ do.”
“Oh, so we’ll put the gag ball on first, so he can’t scream,
and theeeen get him in the sack?”
“I’m afraid that you don’t quite get the idea.”
“What? So then you want to hit him with this pepper spray, put
on the gag ball, then get him in the sack? I didn’t know you
were into that, but whatever…”
“We’ll, that’s not actually what all those items are for?”
“Why’d you have me bring them then?”
“I was thinking of using the gag ball to make you shut up, and
the pepper spray to reinforce the point, and the bag so that
no one would find a body if I had to reinforce the point again.
We’ve actually just got to talk the party animal into leaving.
He’ll just stay here forever unless we can convince him to come
with us.”
“Well where is he, anyways? There’s nothing here but an old
style casino. Wait, it looks like there’s someone over by that
slot machine with 40’ rims and hydraulics.”
So Darsie and I marched over to observe the slot machine up
close. Where we found a man slumped over in a chair staring
at the spinning screen and sipping from a long curly straw that
led to a 72 oz. red plastic cup.
“[explicative deleted] man, hic, what are you guys doing here?
Are you the [expletive deleted] guys from ‘Pimp My Slot Machine’
again? These hydraulics are way broken,” said the worn down
man slouched behind enormous mirrored aviators as he sketched
on a small pad.
“Wow, I’m glad we didn’t go through with getting him in the
sack” I said
“No we know nothing about pimping…….slot machines,” Darsie began,
“But we’re looking for someone, do you know where we could find
the party animal?”
“That [explicative deleted], degenerate? You want *hic* him?
Well, you’ve found him”
“What! Well then we’re here to take you away from here, away
from your pimped out slot machine, and easy lifestyle, and endless
supply of drinks and curly straws and all the solitude you could
want, constant casino catering…”
“That’s probably not helping our case.” I interjected
“No *hic* [explicative deleted] way, I don’t like it out there,
*hic*, Clearly life out there is a big [explicative deleted]
conspiracy, run by a bunch of incompetents and corrupt fools.
I just *hic* heard that another conservative senator got busted
for gay prostitution, in a bathroom no less. How do you expect
them to straiten out the world when they can’t even straiten
themselves out?
He took a long swig from his cup.
“No [explicative deleted] point, mine as well just stay here
and enjoy life’s simple anesthetics”
“Wait!” I called, “I’m not going to deny your paranoid delusions.
I think it’s true that we’re mostly an apathetic and ignorant
lot out there, close-minded and callous, I’m a perfect example,
but you can’t numb yourself here forever, just imagine if someone
actually worked for something glorious and good, true and lasting.”
“Im-[explicative deleted]-possible”
“But what if some child out there raised properly and without
corruption, just imagine what they could accomplish, imagine
what could be, imagine how much worse our lives would suck in
comparison.”
“You’re *hic* absolutely right, there’s no [explicative deleted]
way I could bear something like that.”
“We absolutely need your help in corrupting the youth that they
might never found such a depressing contrast. But Darsie, how
did you plan to get us out of here, especially since we skipped
the part of the narrative on how we got in?”
“I’m not so good at exit strategies, but don’t change horses
mid-river, or presidents mid crisis. I think we should just
stay here until eventually we civilize the spiders and scorpions
around here. It’s our moral obligation to remain until they
work out their differences join in with our society, and live
in peace.”
“That’s [explicative deleted] madness, I’ll *hic* get us out
of here. Hop on to my slot machine”
“I’m not sure you should be operating this thing in your condition”
Darsie murmered.
“That doesn’t matter now, it looks like those spiders and scorpions
are unifying against us instead of each other, and I don’t think
a gag ball, burlap sack, or pepper spray will help us”
“I was sure that those seemingly useless items introduced earlier
would come in handy, yet another plot convention fails.”
“Well on we go then, we’ve no other choice”
With that the party animal gave a massive pull on the slot lever.
“How is gamboling going to help at a time like this!?” I cried
from the rim of the machine.
“Just wait,” he said, clinging to the side, and with that a
sudden rumbling the hydraulics kicked in and up we went with
a massive thrust. I had just enough time to look down and notice,
oh, there’s actually an emergency exit over there by roulette.
Upon looking up I merely noticed, the staff had not been cleaning
the chandelier properly and that a ceiling can be very intimidating
at high velocities. Fortunately, the casino constructed the
ceiling with papier mache’ to save on overhead costs. Which
is how I found myself shooting across Vegas hanging onto a pimped
out slot machine with the party animal and President Darsie,
who had reverted to being dressed in hooker garb.
The meeting was called at 7:07 pm.
There were 11 first time guests, 13 returning guests, and 1
alumna.
We moved into committee reports where Mr. Weeks fulfilled his
duty as grill master by reminding us of the smashingly successful
tailgate.
Mr. Brettschnieder reminded us of dues again.
Ms. Waltz spoke on behalf of the upcoming tournament.
Ms. Moxely reminded us of the activities fair.
Mr. Pearly offered his thanks for those who participated in
the hall cleaning.
We entered into New Business
Ms. Crawford presented
BIR, The US should implement a mandatory
2 year service period for citizens ages 18-26.
She cited a number of ways this could help both society and
the individual participants.
Mr. Brettschneider opposed the resolution with an anecdote
of speeding 60 miles over the speed limit and getting it dropped
from his record with a little community service. Forced labor
is poor labor was his point.
Mr. Beusse opposed forced service because of the poor work
quality.
Mr. BLANK Used candy and McDonald’s for the type of service
the resolved program would provide, and opposed the resolution.
Mr. Sharp supported the resolution and spoke on behalf of the
few people it could inspire.
Ms. Shuh took the floor against the resolution, proposing instead
that the country’s “old people” as less valuable than young
people be forced to work community service roles.
A guest spoke in favor of the resolution.
Mr. Broach supported the resolution, claiming a few delinquents
is no reason to eliminate a good program. He also turned to
fear mongering to remind of the imminent necessity to learn
how to protect ourselves from the phantom ninjas and raving
lunatics in the world.
Mr. Hansen spoke for the resolution as a way to reduce the
economy gradually and reduce the sufferings of other humans.
Ms. Malik spoke for the resolution using Starship Troopers
as her inspiration.
Ms. Moxley rose in favor, illustrating the potential for help.
Mr. Chiego spoke in opposition. He cited our government’s inability
to organize and train such a program, and opposed the implied
economic sacrifice.
Mr. Weeks spoke for the resolution to help people discover
the human condition and benefit society.
Ms. Turlington opposed the resolution as doomed to fail for
lack of participant enthusiasm.
The resolution failed 11 to 12 among members, failed to pass
5 to 5 among guest, and 0 to 1 among alumna.
It was noted that those who voted for the resolution are un-American,
and those who voted against are communist.
Mr. Hansen submitted
BIR: Marketable licenses for children
should be instituted.
He proposed that the burden of so many people is slowly destroying
the Earth and must be reduced.
Mr. Brettschnieder opposed the resolution due to the Earth’s
ability to bounce back, with or without human life. He also
stated that rich people will not buy poor people’s rights to
children as a commodity and thus decrease poverty, as was proposed
in the resolution.
President Darsie advised we vote with our own children in mind.
Mr. Weeks spoke against the resolution as the only present
Demosthenian Member with experience with the prospect of children.
He did not support fooling with the birth rate, and suggested
the world’s capacity for people is not yet attained.
Mr. Shoun spoke for the resolution as a way to give children
intrinsic economic value. He noted it as a form of eugenics
without the death.
A guest spoke against the resolution for the potential population
loss and their potential good for the world.
Mr. Dolan took the floor in opposition and cited China’s wide
spread corruption, forced abortions, and shortages of women.
He also challenged the government’s right to make such a restriction.
Mr. Dutta spoke for the resolution as a way to reduce population.
Mr. BLANK rose and appropriately ejected.
The Question was called and passed 11 to 8 among members, failed
2 to 3 among guests and 0 to 1 among alumni.
Mr. Weiss presented
BIR: The first amendment has done more
harm than good.
Ms. Barnett opposed the resolution and emphasized the importance
of speech.
Mr. Dutta defended the first amendment as a necessity.
Mr. Hansen spoke for the resolution and further suggested we
replace the constitution with symbols due to their smaller potential
to change meanings.
Mr. Pearl spoke against the resolution and against placing
more restrictions of speech.
Ms. Herschman spoke against the resolution on account of the
way it tips the checks and balances of power.
The question was called and failed 2 to 17 among members, 1
to 4 among guests, and 0 to 2 among alumnae.
It was noted that the resolution caused more harm than good.
By Mr. Weiss who voted against the resolution.
Mr. Brettschneider noted that he would start a facebook group
geared towards suppressing the speech of the two members who
voted for the resolution.
Mr. Etheridge submitted
BIR: Forced work camps for foundation
fellows.
He did so on account of their getting paid over and above the
cost of UGA. He further suggested a stud program.
Mr. Chiego – a foundation fellow- Opposed the work camps and
expressed sentiments that he spends most of his time working
at night on ways to save the world. He did not comment on the
stud program.
Mr. BLANK took the floor to oppose the resolution because the
fellows are kind of weird.
Mr. Weiss supported the resolution after establishing that
Mr. Chiego can make an omelet.
The question was called and passed 13 to 9 among members and
1 to 0 among alumna. It failed to pass with 3 to 3 among guests.
Ms. Johnson submitted the critics report and the meeting was
adjourned at 10:50 pm.
|
University of Georgia 