| Well ladies and gentlemen I’m afraid I’ve hit rather a dry spot
in my comic inspiration, therefore I’ve compiled a list of things
I love and hate because you have to listen to me regardless,
and I am not in a nice mood.
Hate 1:Emo kids- they’re pitiful and incompetent. My solution
is to start a trend of tattooing dotted lines on their wrists:
think of it like training wheels to a better tomorrow. Better
in this instance of course meaning devoid of emo kids.
Like 1 – The playboy girls of the SEC. Their natural beauty,
dignity, and poise have taught me a new appreciation for nudie
pics.
Hate 2 – Fat people exposing their midriffs. When I control
things that will be illegal under the 8th amendment, cruel and
unusual punishment.
Like 2 – Crosswords. No one talks to you when you’re pretending
to do crossword puzzles.
Hate 3 – The hill leading to north campus. We need either a
massive escalator or buy a bunch of slaves and wheelbarrows,
either way I’m riding up that hill.
Like 3 – Mirrored sunglasses. That way everyone who stops me
on the street to talk has to watch themselves when the address
me. If I’m lucky, they will see themselves through my eyes,
and leave.
Hates 4 - 6 – Ugly people, they’re distracting. Pretty people,
they’re distracting. People, they’re distracting and offensive.
Like 4 – The library – It’s the one building on campus always
vacant of students.
Likes 5 and 6 – Natural disasters and Georgia football, while
occurring they provide all the best opportunities to loot.
Hate 8 – Unbalanced and disorganized lists.
Hate 7 – People who dislike The Beatles. If you’re one of those
people then I know a guy named Maxwell you’ve gotta meet. He’s
got a silver hammer that’s to die for.
Like 7 – War, it’s like the government playing at natural selection.
Hate – 9 Economics Class – No other “science” could transform
a simple set of concepts into what feels like a mathematician’s
bad LSD trip.
Like 8 – Television – The most efficient human invention to
subdue people into sitting quietly staring at nothing for hours.
Hate 10 – The Red and Black – Possibly the only organization
better at producing misinformation than the Bush Administration.
The meeting was called to order at 7:11 pm.
There were 2 first time guests, 8 returning guests and 2 alumni
present.
Mr. Hansen was appointed critic for the evening.
We moved into committee reports with Mr. Sharp on behalf of
the Judicial council and grill master. He reminded us of the
upcoming tailgate and the key agreements.
Mr. Pearl spoke as custodian about the impending hall cleaning.
Mr. Etheridge, the programs representative, told us of the Robert
Toombs House’s 25th anniversary on the historic register and
the society’s planned visit.
Ms. Herschman, the digital media chair, asked us to reaffirm
the spelling of our names on the website.
Mr. Brettschnieder reminded us that dues are due.
Ms. Johnson spoke for the alumni relations committee.
We moved into petitions for membership:
Mr. Wilson delivered his maiden address on Ronald Regan.
Mr. Weatherly spoke of subjectivity.
Mr. Tarver enlightened the society about the up and coming Armageddon.
All three were heartily accepted into the society.
We moved into new business and a guest rose to present
BIR: The official policy of the Demosthenian
Literary Society should be that all women must raise the toilet
seat after use, respectfully submitted David Kirby.
Mr. Addison opposed the resolution on the grounds of chivalry.
The question was called and failed 6 to 18 among members, 1
to 13 among guests and 1 to 2 among alumnae.
It was noted that if women would just learn to stand this wouldn’t
be a problem.
Ms. Johnson presented
BIR: The American porn industry is not at fault
for the societal ills attributed to it.
Mr. Miller spoke against the resolution claiming that legal
pornography both reduces population and encourages illegal pornography.
Mr. Beusse supported the resolution as a man who spent 4 years
in the navy, on a ship with 300 other men. He referred to pornography
as “stress relief”
Mr. Weatherby rose for the resolution. He blamed MTV and Nickelodeon
for corrupting society.
Mr. Vaudo supported the resolution and blamed society for the
ills associated with porn.
Mr. Tarver took the floor in opposition to the resolution.
He spoke of porn’s attack on monogamy.
Mr. Chiego spoke of the shame of sex and opposed the resolution.
He said “porn is a wasteful industry.”
Mr. Garcia took the floor against the resolution claiming that
porn has a corrupting affect on society.
Ms. Herschman spoke for the resolution. She indicated that
watching something does not make you repeat that thing. She
also informed us of the advantages women enjoy in the porn industry.
Mr. Sharp preached moderation and warned us of the addictive
qualities of porn. He also supports realistic experiences over
exaggerated ones.
Mr. Brettschnieder opposed the resolution and reminded us of
the ills associated with porn: slow internet and the monopoly
of domain names.
Mr. Addison spoke against the resolution. He claimed porn creates
unrealistic expectations and devalues sex.
A guest took the floor in favor of the resolution and indicated
that porn is neither shameful nor wrong.
Mr. Pearl opposed the resolution. He also spoke of unrealistic
expectations created by pornography.
Mr. Porter opposed the resolution. He said that sex reduces
shame and further destroys productivity.
The question was called and failed 9 to 11 among members, passed
8 to 4 among guest and failed 0 to 1 among an alumnus.
It was noted that Hannah Rose Johnson has never seen any porn,
and the only dangerous amount of porn is none.
Mr. Brettschnieder rose to present
BIR: Home schooling in the United States
should be banned.
He spoke thus based on the huge potential for misuse in the
home schooling system.
Mr. Wilson took the floor in opposition based on the parents’
right to choose how to raise a child.
A guest spoke against the resolution because “the government
has no right to indoctrinate children.”
Mr. Addison opposed the resolution on the grounds that any
parent who invests the time to educate a child will raise a
“good” child.
A guest rose to support the resolution.
Mr. Dutta supported the resolution for the same of more objective
truth in education. He seemed to labor under the pretense that
our public school systems teach objective truth.
Ms. Moxley opposed the resolution and informed us of the failings
of home school. Never the less, she supported home schooling
as a form of alternative education necessary for a balanced
society.
Mr. O’Brien took the floor in favor of the resolution to create
collective purchasing power among schools.
Ms. Herschman opposed the resolution and proposed that home
school students be held to certain standards.
A guest opposed the resolution on the grounds of its intolerance.
Mr. Sharp took the floor for the resolution and submitted that
the state should form a cohesive educational trend.
The question was called and failed 7 to 10 among members and
1 to 5 among guests.
Mr. Hansen delivered the critics report and the meeting was
adjourned at 11:06 pm.
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University of Georgia 